Two things that might not seem related at first glance:
Having difficult conversations with a team member…
And the secret to not getting old.
Stay with me.
Both require something most leader’s underestimate: a repeatable and steady approach.
Leadership
What’s the key to handling and staying steady in difficult conversations?
Difficult conversations are part of the job. Not the fun part. But absolutely part of the job.
Missed deadlines. Safety oversights. Chronic lateness. Tension between team members. The temptation is to react quickly. Or worse, avoid it and hope it corrects itself.
Over years of coaching leaders, I’ve learned this: every situation is unique, but the conversation structure doesn’t have to be.
When something is brought to me that I didn’t personally witness but still need to address, here’s the format I use. And honestly, it works outside of work too.
A Practical Structure for Difficult Conversations
- They talk first. Start with curiosity, not conclusions
Do not lead with what you heard.
Start by asking: “Tell me what happened?”
You weren’t there. So genuinely gather information. Calm. Neutral. Curious.
If needed, clarify respectfully:
“Can you share more about…?”
“Did you notice…?”
Your goal is simple: get the whole story.
- Explore awareness and impact
In that same neutral tone, ask:
“What impact do you think this had?”
On the team? On safety? On results?
You’re assessing ownership. Do they understand the ripple effect of their behavior?
- Paraphrase for shared understanding
Keep it conversational.
“So it sounds like ____ happened… and this was the impact. Is that right?”
Shared understanding now prevents confusion later.
- Name the organizational impact
Now you lead. Tie feedback to standards, not personality.
“This affects safety.”
“This impacts trust.”
“This impacts our ability to serve clients.”
If they acknowledged impact well, say so. Accountability and affirmation can coexist.
- Assess and define
Is this a training gap? A process breakdown? A behavior choice?
Ask what support is needed.
Clarify what needs to change and by when.
If it’s formal, say so. Walk through documentation transparently.
- Set next steps and follow through
Clarify expectations. Clarify consequences.
Document it. Schedule Follow up. - Close with intent — for them first, then the team
“My goal is to support you and protect our culture.”
“My goal is to support you and keep this department safe.”
“My goal is to support you and ensure we can serve our clients well.”
Difficult conversations handled well don’t damage productivity or culture. They protect it.
Sure, someone may be frustrated in the moment. But these conversations matter.
And protecting productivity and culture requires leaders who are steady instead of reactive.
If you’d like the more detailed list of questions I ask in these conversations, reply and let me know. I’ll send you the toolkit.
Life
I recently saw a clip where Jimmy Fallon asked Morgan Freeman, “What’s the secret to staying young?”
Morgan’s answer was simple.
“Don’t let the old man in.”
At first it sounds like it’s about age. I don’t think it is. I think it’s about approach.
Because if we’re honest, the “old man” shows up long before retirement. He shows up in language.
“I used to be more active.”
“I used to take more risks.”
“I used to have more patience.”
“I used to be more creative.”
That shift from present possibility to past capability is subtle, but powerful.
In leadership and in life, the moment we start referencing our best traits in the past tense, something shifts. We begin managing instead of building. Maintaining instead of stretching. Commenting instead of engaging.
Staying young isn’t about pretending you’re in a different season. It’s about refusing to disengage from growth in this one.
It’s staying curious when it would be easier to critique.
It’s learning the new system instead of dismissing it.
It’s mentoring with energy instead of obligation.
It’s choosing optimism without ignoring reality.
Experience should sharpen us, not shrink us.
Wisdom should expand our influence, not narrow our willingness.
Dolly Parton has been known to say similar things and embraces aging with a “no time to get old” attitude.
This week, notice your internal language.
When do you default to “I used to”?
When do you assume your best version already happened?
Then decide intentionally not to let that version define the present.
Because staying young isn’t about chasing youth.
It’s about protecting your approach and outlook — and your engagement in the experience of life.Show less